Conversations With You
Without You
A mental note, ‘It is what it is’…. Or is it ??
I keep telling myself that. I can’t tell if I’m only fighting this because it’s so out of ‘the norm’ for us or because it feels so wrong. Like the universe had something else in store for you & I.
Are we going against what life was suppose to be? If so, then what? We just live the rest of our lives in misery, trying to pretend like we’re okay? I know you’re not okay, I know you better then you think I do.
You put on a good show, blocking people out. Your facade, it’s your life. That’s just it though, it’s my life too. And I don’t know how to truely be happy without you. I haven’t attempted that for 25 years, so please forgive me if I’m a little stuck.
And honestly, the way you left things, the kids would hate me if I turned back now, so maybe you’re doing all of us a favor. Time will tell, I suppose. But, then again, time is all we really have here on Earth, isn’t it? And I wanted that time to be with our hearts being one.
I’m sorry I couldn’t heal quick enough to make things peaceful and happy. I wish I could have a do over, because I feel like I could now, knowing what’s all at stake. Im like the little engine that could, “I think I can! I think I can!”
You were perfect, finally!! Everything I ever dreamed you could be. But, you had so much making up to do, it’s like you were fighting a losing battle. I was the battle. We both lost.
I tell myself I’d feel better if we just spoke. Just a friendly conversation, but I don’t know if that’s ‘truth or dare’ Daring to go further, because it hurts to let you go. Or the truth, in just needing you to be some part of my life, for my own selfish reasons.
I’m trying to break habits, I know we both are. And we are each other’s habit . But I love it. Just because it’s a habit doesn’t mean it’s a bad one. We can have good habits too, right?
I’m lost, bottom line. I miss you, you’re consuming my thoughts, it feels like you’ve died. My biggest fear coming true, right before my eyes. And there’s nothing I can do, but accept it.
But I still can’t figure out…. Are you my drug of choice or the love of my life.
Are you my addiction, my crack, or is my heart really breaking for your presence?
Will I ever know?
🖤
